A BIRD IN A GILDED CAGE

7pm

After a shaky start, with the whole missing money incident, today was a good day.

I finished the last entry five minutes after Mum returned from the shops, and went into the kitchen to check she'd got everything in the right place (its not uncommon to find sweltering bacon in the cupboard, string and ice-cream in the fridge, a bottle of milk in the oven).

All the correct shopping was lined up in a neat row, on the side in the kitchen - but Mum was nowhere to be seen. She hadn't even stopped to make a cup of tea, making me think she had gone back to the supermarket, believing she had forgotten some vital item, or left something behind at the till. 

It turns out she had gone to Local-sister's house. They spent the afternoon cooking, and Mum had a wonderful time. I won't know, until I speak to her, if Local-sister necessarily had such a great time. It can be fun having Mum helping, but you have to maintain a bright, relaxed tone - which takes Zen-like concentration, when you're always potentially one second away from a minor disaster (sugar in your boiled eggs, salt in your tea) or something more serious (the trigger that caused me to finally make this my base was when Mum melted the electric plastic kettle on the hob).

When Mum came back we cooked a meal and the apple pie that she'd prepared with Local-sister.

We switched on the TV, and had a chat which comes up regularly -

"I think its about time I had one of those things."

"Which things, Mum".

"You know. One of those doing things. Doing things with earnings"

"Mum, you're seventy and retired, its your time to relax, to enjoy nature, you don't need a job"

"Some seventy-year olds have jobs"

"But you've got so much to do with the garden, the allotment, and helping me and Local-sister"

"Hmmm"

What she always says she wants is 'to be useful', feeling useless is why she says she wants to die. Its tough for her, she's finding it harder and harder to do things, but has a large appetite for active than passive activities, though she does watch more TV than she used to.

The apple pie was delicious. We watched The News (people killing each other) & David Attenborough narrating 'Life' (reptiles killing each other). We had a lively conversation throughout, but it did inevitably involve life and death subjects and at one point Mum slipped 'I want to go to heaven' into conversation. It is one thing being told by someone who is upset that that they want to die, being told it repeatedly when the person is at what appears to be their most cogent and happy, this is another. I can blame the drugs for making it possible, but I do believe it is true. That's definitely one thing I can't help you with, my love.

When we lived in Ealing you used to let the dog and guinea pig roam freely around the London streets. It wasn't long before the dozy, fat guinea pig got squashed by a car. You said at least it was free when it was alive. You still let your precious dog roam the streets, despite the nightmare that you dreamt of one night, that the angry neighbours who posted your precious dog's precious shit through the letter box severed her precious head one day, with a spade, as she stuck it through the precious hole in the gate, the hole that you wouldn't mend, despite all this you still let your precious dog roam the streets. 

I have some notion that the SPECL organisation feel the News isn't really suitable for Alzheimer's sufferers, part of an overall strategy of keeping them in a bubble of unadulterated happiness. I can see that might be the only way in the end, and the time of the end might be closer than we dare to think, but I currently value the time she spends on Earth, & fear that too much padding at this stage might push her into space prematurely, or that her brain might try and restore its preferred level of happiness and possibly induce a pendulum swing. She is midway along a spectrum, at the other end she may have no need to confront or vent any negative emotions, at our end of this spectrum this is not the case, repressed feelings have a tendency to fester inside. I need to read their book if I'm really going to pass judgement on them.

Mum was shocked by the violence in the news, so was I, it was shocking. "The men, they're killing each other. It's terrible how people do that to each other".  She was saddened rather than shocked by the violence in 'Life', looking away as two Kimono dragons brawled and saying how sad it was when one creature ate another - but she softened after a while, seeing it from the other creatures point of view and remarking on the miracle of the food chain and creation. At the end of the show they returned to the kimono dragons who were fighting at the beginning. It was impossible not to find their behaviour distasteful, lurking around their victim, a bison, ten times their size, for several weeks while it sickened from their venom. Men, too, they are just beasts, they know no better.

Mum didn't present any negative side-effects from taking the Mirtazapine, unless the 'suicidal ideation' is being accentuated or modified in some way by the drug. Her appetite has returned to normal, and there was no further nausea, so I have given her another half tonight, and we'll see how she goes.

We made hot water bottles and went to bed at seven. Mum said it was wonderful having someone to live with you who you can talk to and I kissed her goodnight. Correction: Mum went to bed at seven, I am still sitting here. writing this, and somehow its 10pm.

I forget

the time